Bolton Wanderers 2014 New Year's Resolutions

Now before you castigate me in the comments section below this piece, I cannot confirm my sources nor where I heard this information.

Trust me that it's right. When have I ever let you down before?

(This information was obtained by legal means, SBNation lawyers, before you ask)

ADAM BOGDAN

To learn to catch a ball. Also to learn how to do that spit on hands things that other, proper goalkeepers tend to do.

Helps them catch things, allegedly.

ANDY LONERGAN

To continue prodding my Adam Bogdan voodoo doll.

ZAT KNIGHT

Retire.

ALEX BAPTISTE

To watch those Nicky Hunt DVDs and learn how to float a ball aimlessly down a touchline. Also to try and gain a little peripheral vision to aid with that illusive 'positional sense' that people are always going on about.

TIM REAM

To keep cultivating my lovely beard and the family of sparrows who live within.

Also to learn how to respond appropriately when Dougie Freedman says 'Tim, do you mind filling in at left-back?' Note to self, the answer is always no.

JAY SPEARING

To find the precious. Filthy Bagginses

ROB HALL

To post more of those weird Instagram videos where I have my top off.

CHUNG-YONG LEE

Make sure I keep that lovely red tint in my hair.

Also to find out who I'll be signing for at the end of the season when Bolton Wanderers go bust.

JERMAINE BECKFORD

Find those shooting boots from last season. Think I left them in Huddersfield.

DAVID NGOG

Learn Turkish

MARVIN SORDELL

Engage in mad bantz, innit.

DOUGIE FREEDMAN

To play an unchanged side, and to make a sub before 75min has passed.