Part three. The bit I was struggling with. Still - amazing what inspiration comes to you when you eat cheese after 10pm on a weekday.
3) Ban Players from Social Media
A simple but effective plan.
In the last couple of days we've had Jay Spearing's Ibiza-gate:
Previously we've had Marvin Sordell-gate, when our erstwhile former striker was given the baby treatment by managerial expert (in his own mind) Dougie Freedman:
Freedman said social networking is a new problem for coaches to deal with.
'It could be bordering on an obsession with Twitter and Facebook and all the things that go on with these kids,' he said in the Daily Telegraph.
'We are trying to work with him - by taking his phone off him.'
In this day and age, footballers and football supporters have unparalleled access to one another, via the medium of social networking.
It can be a force for good - the likes of Sordell have taken their obsession on and used it in a positive context through charitable agencies and positive media outlooks.
It can however be a negative influence.
The recent storm over the players' trip to Spain for a little r-N-r exemplifies the gap between fan and club. We sit here in our living rooms jealous. We're jealous of their ability to put aside the woes of the club and fuck off to Spain for a few days to get mortal with our teammates.
We'd love to be able to do that.
However, we cannot, as we have responsibilities. My responsibility is to my family - to my work. Whilst I have no real beef with the players taking advantage of what MUST have been a club-sanctioned break, I find the timing to be wholly inappropriate.
Yet this revelation would never have come to light without the assistance of social media.
I've heard the stories over the years of my favourite footballer ever, John McGinlay, and his fondness for a good night out which would mean that his lifestyle is nothing like modern players. Yet McGinlay was forgiven his excesses because he delivered on the pitch.
I'm sure that we as fans wouldn't mind our players having a relaxing few days abroad were we not sitting third from bottom on 1 point from 5 games.
The issues with Sordell, the racial abuse of the likes of Stan Collymore and the fucking dross that Joey Barton serves up all provides evidence to support my belief that footballers should not have personal social media accounts.
It always ends in tears.
Fans do like to follow their heroes, but I do sometimes wonder whether it would be better for the connection between one and the other to be confined to Saturday at 3pm, rather than checking out the latest inanimate object that David Wheater has shoved up in his nose in Nandos.
The Ibiza trip has forged negative relations between club and fans, and what positive team vibes might have been fostered by the trip will count for nothing when the fans get their chance to vent at the next home game.
Silly move, Mr Spearing.