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Tim Ream's (Fake) Gold Cup Diary: Day One

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Chris presents a somewhat false (as in completely false) diary of our USMNT hero Sir Timothy of Reamshire

Michael Steele/Getty Images

I really don't think I need to emphasise this again, but in the interest of clarity - this isn't real. It'd be funnier if it was.

So, y'all, it's day one in the Gold Cup. Here's my diary:

00.00 (kick off) - Sat on the bench, just chilling y'all. Sucks not to be playing.

05.00 - Noticed that Jurgen Klinsmann has a lovely white shirt on. How does he get his whites so white? Should really ask him about that.

06.00 - Honduras are on the attack. The grass is very nice-looking too. Wish I was playing.

10.00 - Hmm another shot from the Honduras lads. This wouldn't be happening if I was on the pitch.

15.00 - Another corner for USA. This is like Game of Thrones, but with corners, and far less midgets. Like Jay Spearing. I miss Bolton.

25.00 - Goal! Clint Dempsey, reppin' Nac 4 life homes! Yo! Wish I could give him a nice cuddle to celebrate but I can't. Can't because I'm not playing. This sucks.

32.00 - Another corner for Honduras! I tell you this wouldn't have happened with me on the pitch.

36.00 - Might have a drink. Nothing else to do. LOLZ.

45.00 (half time) - Jurgen got us some sick-ass oranges. Wouldn't mind playing but this is pretty sweet y'all. Not really. It sucks and I'm sad.

Anyone still with me? No? Good

60.00 - Jurgen just brought on Wondo. Took off that donkey Jozy Altidore. Homes couldn't score in a St Louis brothel y'all.

64.00 - GOAL! C-Demps with another fine strike to make it 2-zip! Everything is awesome! Except for the fact that I've not been picked.

66.00 - This is really lonely. Hope I get on :(

70.00 - GOAL! They've pulled one back. Not my fault. Not like at Bolton Wanderers. Maybe it'll be different now Matt Mills has left. He used to shout at me.

83.00 - Still sat on the sidelines. Nothing to do really. Wish I was in Austria with Rob Hall and his banter bus.

86.00 - Palacios just got booked - hope he's not the one we're having next season. This one is shit y'all.

90.00 - Injury time. My butt hurts.

93.00 - Yeah we won! I didn't play. Sucks.