Quentin X's Piles - Episode 3

Back in the day, if people still say that, when I was writing articles for another site, I did one a day. This would involve me writing during quiet periods at work, a job for which your taxes paid my wages. Or it would involve me stock piling a few articles, writing all day on my days off. Or it would involve me getting up early and banging one out. And then writing an article. Whilst watching a Carry On film, apparently.

So, when the opportunity came to get back into writing about Bolton Wanderers with LoVS, I leapt at it. Mr Manning, as he likes to be known behind the scenes, said that I could write what I wanted when I wanted. And I have very much taken him at his word. So here is my third article, if you ignore the inane ramblings of my predictions.

So, what has happened since my last visit here? Obviously the season has started and, almost more obviously, we have a striker problem. Indeed, we have had a striker problem since Nicolas Anelka heard the bright lights of London calling. God love Kevin Davies, of whom more later, but if one looks at our leading scorer list since Anelka's departure, it doesn't make for pretty reading.

Indeed, the season he left, Anelka remained our leading scorer despite not being anywhere near Horwich on a regular basis since January. Since then SKD (twice), Johan Elmander (no, really), Ivan Klasnić (the year we went down), Chris Eagles (a midfielder), Jermaine Beckford (a donkey) and Adam Le Fondre (a loanee) have led the scoring charts.

I think we can all agree that if we had managed to get Le Fondre back, the ball may have ended up in the net more often than once. Unfortunately he signed for the lesser Wanderers. This means we have been left with a bloke who has served Porridge, a relic of a bygone age, an, albeit talented, child and Stephen Dobbie.

As my old Sunday League manager used to say to me "You may as well go up front and have a go, at least you'll scare the opposition". Maybe Neil Lennon can use Jay Spearing for that.

Of course, there is no easy answer. Money is tight. Money is very very tight. The days of signing an Anelka are long gone. In fact, we are so poor, we wouldn't be able to afford Anelka now, even with our manager's proclivities to signing aged former strikers.

The loan window opens soon and not soon enough. If, like me, you have viewed Bolton Wanderers on deadline day for the past few years as an opportunity to bulk watch House of Cards, the loan window has always been the time to sit up and take notice. Granted, this has led to Joe Mason, and only Joe Mason, coming in twice. But there has to be optimism that the name "Neil Lennon" will garner someone who can get the team scoring. Or, he could just play himself.

And onto Sloppy Seconds Athletic. Ever since they took on, and then ruined, Ali Al-Habsi, our lesser cousins over the border seem to have become the retirement home for players that we no longer need. It's easy to see why. We work harder than them, enjoy ourselves more than them and live longer than them. It is only good sense, despite it being in short supply where they are, to try and get some of our lustre for themselves. And if that is the case, even in our constrained circumstances, it is saying something.

In my former employment, I had the opportunity to regularly use an interpreter service. You name the language, they could find you an interpreter. Gaelic, Welsh, HiIndustani, Kazakh and even Kyrgyz. But could you get them to find a Wiganese interpreter. The only words I could ever figure out myself were "Top Road. Top Road". Which is Wiganese for "A Very Good Road".

It does break my heart to see Jussi have to smile for the camera as the shirt of Wigan taints his gilded hands. This is like the most beautiful girl you ever went out with when you were young coming back and marrying your cousin who got bounced on his face fourteen times when he was born and never learnt how to wash.

And speaking of beautiful former Bolton players, time was called on the career of SKD last week by SKD himself. SKD said that he had had a few offers but didn't think he could do it justice. This is the right thing to do as it would pain me, and many others I dare say, to see him trotting out for teams of the level of Tranmere Rovers. National League apparently. Yes, that is the right level for their ground. Just ask Big Sam.

Sure, it is fair to say that the Davies' and I will never exchange Christmas cards, but I have never seen a player like Kevin Davies before and probably never will again.

He epitomised Bolton Wanderers during those good times. Under appreciated, always getting a bad reputation. And yet, under their breath, they would give thanks that they only had to play us twice a year. As those who follow me on Twitter know, I have an almost unhealthy appreciation for Jason Statham. But even The Stath would think twice about getting on a football field with Kevin Davies.

He deserves to be mentioned in the same breath of all the other "legends" who have kicked a ball for our club, just under Sir Nat. I mean, no one can surpass Sir Nat. I never saw him play. Very few people alive saw him play. But we know that no one can surpass him. However, if a Premier League era player can be described as a legend for Bolton Wanderers, Kevin Davies is that man.

But. Has anyone given any consideration to the donkeys?