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Player Ratings: Bolton Wanderers 2-1 Rotherham United

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A scruffy win is better than a thousand draws, plus Ian Rowbottom touches dogs

Matthew Lewis/Getty Images

Let's not piss about - Bolton Wanderers scruffed a proper jimmy at home to Rotherham United. Maybe it's about time that we scabbed a win.

Ratings, you slags:

Ben Amos 8

A much needed return to form for a keeper who has been described by some as 'the worst keeper since keepers were invented'. Kept us in the game with a point-blank save from some Rovrum jabroni in the second half.

Josh Vela 7

A quiet game with little competition from a crap Rotherham United side. Got down the wing in good style but was largely ignored by his teammates.

Dorian Dervite 1

Another shambolic display. Watch him, and imagine that his hips are magically connected to the ball by an elastic bungee, which drags him to the ball at all times - it explains a lot. Absolute shit sandwich.

Rob Holding 7

A quieter game by his recent standards, but still imperious in his play with never the slightest hint of a mistake. Each passing week shows that he's the real deal. If only he had a proper partner at the back and not that dickhead Dervite.

Dean Moxey 7

Another who could perhaps have done better. Some sloppy play on the ball led to a couple of Rotherham chances, but otherwise did his usual job of trying every single alternative to kicking a football with his right peg.

Jay Spearing 7

I like Spearing, because he reminds me of me at 5 a side. He kicks people, and every once in a while he scores a good goal from outside the box. Otherwise fairly quiet.

Liam Feeney minus 1 million

The world's most frustrating player. Internet spanners will tell you that he has most assists (irrelevant) and that he's one of our top scorers (not hard), but ultimately we're talking about someone who is fucking shit at the old football. There was a moment towards the end when he took the ball from a hard-fought Woolery run and proceeded to shoot from a ridiculous angle that Cristiano Ronaldo himself would have judged to be daft - the shot ended up in fucking Blackrod. Shit as shit can be. Fuck off.

Darren Pratley (Stephen Dobbie) 0

Captain Pratley was rubbish. He can't pass, can barely tackle, and shoots like a man with no concept of accuracy.

He can run, but that's it.

Rubbish.

Mark Davies 6

Floated in and out of the game, as is his wont, but Davies was a dangerous and keen runner at the Rovrum defence. Could have done more in advanced positions, but that's not what Mark Davies does. Shit tattoos.

Wellington Silva (Kaiyne Woolery) 8

A devisive figure, but I really like Welly. Yes he's selfish and yes he's annoying but when he's on fire he's on fire like no fucker else.

He's Arsenal through and through, meaning that he's frustrating as hell, but he's our most dangerous attacking outlet and must be given the ball at EVERY opportunity.

Emile Heskey (Liam Trotter) minus a fucking billion

Fucking rubbish.

What's the point of a footballer who can't play football? Heskey might be a hard worker, and he certainly tries, but he tries my patience more often than not.

Average in the air, and with the talent for distribution that makes Dorian Dervite look like Rio Ferdinand it's hard to imagine a poorer player.

It's 2016 and we have hoverboards FFS but Bolton Wanderers are STILL playing Heskey in the league. It's embarrassing. I'd call him a shit sandwich but that would be a slam against sandwiches made of shit and margarine.

Substitutes

Paul Rachubka

Derik Osede Prieto

Liam Trotter one thousand trillion

L-Trotz, as he will be forever known, came on and dominated midfield with his physicality and....let's whisper it...guile. A lovely ball to Mark Davies led to the winner and should ensure that he makes the starting line-up next week.

Neil Danns

Filip Twardzik

Stephen Dobbie 6

Didn't have much to do.

Kaiyne Woolery 8

A bright and breezy display rewarded by a first professional goal. May it be the first of many. Fast as shit off a shovel - and that's what we lack.

Referee: Stuart Attwell

Fucking shit.

A shit reputation well earned. Wanker.