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Player Ratings: Spineless Shitbags 1-2 Preston North End

The more things change, the more they stay the same

Gareth Copley/Getty Images

So here we are in a brave new world. Bolton Wanderers 2.0 began life under the stewardship of Dean Holdsworth and his Sports Shield consortium against Preston North End in what was bound to be a tough home game.

It ended up being tougher than we thought.

Without further ado, here are your ratings:

Paul Rachubka - 0

A sub keeper.

A sub keeper, because he's not good enough to be no.1

Dropped catches, misplaced parries and poor distribution.

Not good enough.

Lawrie Wilson - 3

Another one who tries, but who isn't good enough, sadly.

Struggles to get forward, and lacks the pace to recover when he does.

He's no Danny Butterfield.

Stephen Dobbie (on for Wilson - 88 minutes) n/a

Don't think he touched the ball. Nice beard though.

Didn't score a penalty.

Derik Osede - 6

Another good showing from the former Real Madrid man.

He's only diddy, but he's excellent in the air, and a calming influence on the ball.

Him and Holding will make a good pair next year, if we can keep them.

Rob Holding - 6

His usual calm and composed self, and blameless for either PNE goal.

Deserves better than us.

Let's hope this rumoured move to Reading is bullshit.

Dean Moxey - 4

Our Player of the Year wasn't at his best.

Struggled on the ball, and offered little going forward.

Liam Trotter - 1

Gets a 'one' because he took his goal well.

Otherwise he was piss poor. He can't pass, he runs around aimlessly and for someone over six feet tall he's awful in the air. Is he an attacking midfielder? Nope. Is he defensive? Nope. What is he?

The Gary Madine of our midfield.

A big, huge physical presence, but as soft as shite.

Darren Pratley - 0

Easily the worst footballer I've ever seen in my life.

I hate you Darren.

I hate that you're the captain of my club.

I hate that we worried about you leaving last year.

The cheers when you were substituted were not ironic, it was us celebrating you leaving the field. Good riddance.

Wellington Silva (on for Pratley - 70 minutes) - 5

Brought on to influence the game, and was ignored by his teammates.

Good luck at your next club bro.

Mark Davies - 3

Just nothing. Nothing at all.

Nothing positive.

No influence.

No runs.

No goals.

No point.

Zach Clough - 4

I love Clough, but his form has been desperately poor this season.

It's therefore no shock that he snatched at what few chances he had, when previously his calmer head would have prevailed and he would likely have scored at least two yesterday.

Still wouldn't have taken him off, mind.

Kaiyne Woolery (on for Clough - 84 minutes) - n/a

Barely involved, which is a shame.

Gary Madine - minus five hundred BILLION


I know you read these ratings. I know you fucking live for ratings.

So let me tell you this, you shithouse - you're a big man, but you're soft as shit. You arrived at Bolton Wanderers with a reputation as a tough guy. Ha!

Did someone do something in prison that upset you? Is that why you're scared of physical contact? It's understandable. I've seen the Shawshank Redemption. This is not an excuse.

This too, is no exaggeration, but we all hate you. You're a shit footballer, and you're stealing a living.

Go away, and go away now. Never return.


Fuck off.

I hate you.

Liam Feeney - 6

Operated on the periphery of the game, but looked to attack at every opportunity.

He's not very good, but at least he tried.

Referee - Paul Tierney = 0

Fucking woeful.

Blew for everything. EVERYTHING.

Everything, that is, apart from the world's most blatant foul on Mark Davies when clean through.

It's easy to give the easy decisions, but he bottled the hard calls.

Manager - Neil Lennon - 0

Sigh. It just gets worse.

At home, against a beatable opposition, and we set up rather negatively.

He looks, and sounds like a man who knows his days are numbered.

For the good of us all, let's hope it's sooner rather than later.