Our Euro 2016 Predictions: Jonny

That's right ladies and gents, I'm back.

It's been a while since I've written anything for the great Lion of Vienne Suite, partly due to me getting a new job, but I'm here now and that's all that matters.

Although Euro 2016 has already kicked off, I'm here to tell you exactly what I think is going to happen during this year's tournament. Buckle up...

P.S - I'm writing this before England's opening game so please don't get angry if any of it is completely wrong. There's your disclaimer, you gang of bellends.

How far will England get?

I'm going to say semi-finals. As a few of the other lads have already said, England are looking better than they have done for many years. As much as I love them both, gone are the days of the Lampard/Gerrard midfield partnership, taking with it the reliance of Wayne Rooney up top and John Terry at centre half. We have a young, hungry squad with a lot of potential. I'm confident and you should be too.

Your England Starting XI:

Joe Hart; Kyle Walker, Chris Smalling, Gary Cahill, Danny Rose; Eric Dier; Wayne Rooney, Jack Wilshere; Dele Alli; Harry Kane, Chat Shit Get Banged.

Pretty much speaks for itself, doesn't it? I love Marcus Rashford and am genuinely buzzing for the lad - I think he'll do really well if he gets the chance to play. Ross Barkley is also a good impact substitute and narrowly misses out ahead of Wilshere, who, despite being made of glass, has frighteningly good form for England. I'm not sure about Raheem Sterling but he'll probably start because Roy fancies him.

Who'll score more, Kane or Vardy?

Vardz.

IF (and that's a big if) he's played in the correct position. If Kane is used as our main outlet up top then I think he could really dominate some of the lesser team's defences, but if I'm honest there's no real way to tell who's going to play where. All I know is that these two lads play very well together so we should all be happy.

Will Hodgson remain as manager after the Euros?

Yep.

I don't see any reason to get rid of him after he's completely overhauled the squad and given out more international debuts than I've had hot dinners. Solid manager, English and genuinely seems to give a shit. I like Roy.

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How far will Wales get? I think lots of people are expecting them to do great things when in reality they have a lot of average players. Gareth Bale was in great form for Real Madrid coming into the end of season break but I can't see anyone else doing a great deal. Joe Ledley's injury is also a blow.

Top Scorer: Gareth Bale

How far will Ireland get? Nowhere. Bottom of the group.

Top Scorer: Shane Long

How far will Northern Ireland get? As above. Not good enough to do anything more than a draw or two.

Top Scorer: Will Grigg (obviously)

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Competition Winners: France. Their strength-in-depth is frightening. Kanté is a machine and we all know what Payet, Pogba, Martial and Griezmann can do.

Runner Up: Germany. Spain aren't as good as they used to be and Belgium without Kompany will struggle at the back.

Final Four: England 3rd, Italy 4th. Not sure why I've chosen Italy, I just have a gut feeling about them. Conte's last hoorah and all that.

Surprise Team: Jesus, where do I start here? Switzerland are a decent shout with Shaquiri leading the charge for glory, so they could cause a few upsets. Sweden are always tough to play so they're in the mix as usual. I think whoever comes top of Group D, which contains Croatia and the Czech Republic, will go far. Spain will underachieve so my money's on Croatia to do a few bits and get to the quarters.

Flop Team: Spain. Not what they used to be.

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Second Team: Iceland. Goes without saying. I'll also be keeping an eye on Ireland because of work.

Any successes for the home nations?: I genuinely think England have a chance this year but I'd say everyone will be pretty pleased come mid-July. Both Irish teams and Wales are just happy to be there.

Office sweepstake team?: England and Poland. £2 each and I bought two because I'm a #baller. Now if we win I can be even happier.

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Golden Boot: Marcus Rashford (if this happens I'll buy you all a pint)

Surprise Player: Richard Keogh. Thet death stare.

Best player: Paul Pogba. This is his chance to prove he's a world beater and I think he's going to smash it out of the park.

Best young player: Marcus Rashford (I really want him to do well, can you tell?)

Flop Player: Everyone Spanish.

First Pundit to Say Something Stupid: They all say stupid things but I reckon this will happen: A) Neil Lennon will mention his time at Celtic within his first sentence as a BBC pundit, and B) Adrian Chiles will make a tit of himself before ITV's first ad break.

When will Liam stop supporting Ireland and start supporting England again?: Fuck knows. Maybe if we win it and I see him out in town and offer to buy him a pint. In fact, I've just had an idea: If England win, we'll shave his beard. Deal? Deal.

Your own bonus prediction: Kevin Nolan to be called up to the squad at the last minute and score a 90th minute winner in the final, THEN do the chicken celebration. Imagine the scenes.