Well, here we are again, ladies and gents; the start of a new football season. After a horrific 2016/16 season, it’s about time some joy returned to the Macron and I’m approaching this season with youthful optimism. Will we win the league? Probably not. Will we get promoted? I’m not sure. Will things be better than last season? Absolutely.
We’ve still got some deadwood in our squad, but with a new manager at the helm and new owners sat at the long table upstairs, we should be much happier as fans of Bolton Wanderers.
So, without further ado, here’s my 2016/17 predictions for the best game in the world.
League One Winners: MK Dons
Second Place: Sheffield United
Play-off winners: Millwall (but we’ll lose to them in the semis after Gary Madine punches the ref and gets sent off in the second minute)
Three relegated teams: Northampton, Bury, Bradford (How funny would that be?)
Top Goal Scorer: No idea. It’s staggering how little I know about League One football.
Best Player: As above
Surprise Team: Port Vale
Championship Winners: Absolutely Newcastle. With the amount of cash they’ve spent I’d say they’re on course to “do an Invincibles” and send Sports Direct’s share prices through the roof.
Second Place: Aston Villa. Has to be.
Play-off Winners: Derby County
Three relegated teams: Fulham, Nottingham Forest, Cardiff (Lots of dodgy finances...)
Premier League Winners: Manchester City
2nd, 3rd, 4th: Manchester United, Spurs, Chelsea
Three relegated teams: Hull City, Sunderland, West Brom
Top goal scorer: Jesus, there are so many to choose from. I’m going to say Sergio Aguero.
Best player: Kevin De Bruyne
New signing who will flop: Paul Pogba (If it ever fucking happens)
New signing who will succeed: Sadio Mane
Surprise Team: Stoke
Champions League Winner: Barcelona
Runner Up: Manchester City
Top goal scorer: Antoine Griezmann
La Liga Winners: Barcelona
Bundesliga Winners: Bayern Munich
Serie A Winners: Juventus
Ligue 1 Winners: PSG
Eredivise Winners: PSV Eindhoven
Who'll score more, Messi or Ronaldo?: Messi
Your own bonus prediction: Phil Parkinson to get sacked after shagging Ken Anderson’s missus. Ivan Campo, Kevin Davies & Kevin Nolan to take three-way charge of 13th-placed. Wanderers in January. We go on to win the league. SCENES.