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Our Bolton Wanderers Predictions: Quentin X

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Ahhh....this takes me back.

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1993. Jurassic Park was the big film at the cinema, The Simpsons were still funny and Gary Sparrow had just started going through that time loop thingy in Goodnight Sweetheart. It was also the last time Bolton Wanderers played at the level they start this season at. Will it get worse. Let me mystically enlighten you.

What are your thoughts on Bolton's summer activity?

Well, I had a pleasant evening down by the Birkenhead shore as Zach Clough dispatched Tranmere with a fine last minute goal. The in laws live there you see, otherwise I wouldn't be visiting Prenton Park and its outside toilets. They didn't even have a veggie burger for Mrs X. As for transfer activity, I'm quite happy with the signings of Beevers and Proctor. I am less happy that the lingering bad smell that goes under the name Darren Pratley remains at our club, like a meaty fart in a lift that you step into that someone has left twenty floors below. I am even less impressed that he appears to remain our captain despite performances so ineffectual last season they made the ineffectual performances that he gave in the Premier League look like a masterclass in Tiki-Taka. To paraphrase Henry II "Will no one rid me of the turbulent waste of space in the middle of the park?"

Is Phil Parkinson the man to arrest Bolton's decline?

Not if he picks Pratley and keeps him as captain. As Mrs X Snr said to me from the lofty heights of the Duke Of Lancaster suite last May, "He's a bit shit, isn't he?"

What else do you think we need before the season starts?

I think we should definitely start with getting rid of Darren Pratley. I believe that work is underway at Horwich Parkway so maybe someone can do to Dazza Prazza what the mob did to Jimmy Hoffa. I'm not advocating sticking him under the foundations encased in concrete or anything.

Actually.....yes, that is what I'm advocating.

How do you see the season going?

Badly if Darren Pratley plays and remains as captain. There was a time when running around a lot and not doing much whilst pointing at people and blaming them for your mistakes was considered to be a good thing. But then we all left the school playground and got proper jobs. Darren appears to still be stuck in that mentality. I wouldn't be surprised if he went round the training ground at times shouting "ALL INTO PLAYING AT WAR" and showing his willy to the catering ladies.

Who will be our top goalscorer and why?

Zach Clough. Hopefully he'll be able to get the ball off Darren Pratley before the opposition does.

Who will be our best player and why?

I think it's too early with the new management and players to predict who our best player will be. I know who our worst player will be. Darren Pratley. A man who brings to football what Gary Megson brings to football.

Who will be booked the most?

If he plays, and let's hope his doesn't, Darren Pratley. Actually, if he doesn't play it will probably still be Darren Pratley.

Who will get sent off the most?

If he plays, and let's hope his doesn't, Darren Pratley. Actually, if he doesn't play it will probably still be Darren Pratley.

How many injuries will we have throughout the season?

I wouldn't want to wish injury on anybody. Except Darren Pratley. For the season. And next season too.

Will Phil Parkinson still be our manager come the end of the season?

Absolutely. Unless he has a frontal lobotomy and picks Darren Pratley. Can't see that happening.

Will we still have Zach Clough come the end of the season?

Absolutely. Will we still have Darren Pratley at the end of the season? Well, this wire transfer to someone calling himself The Jackal for $100,000 has just gone through so watch this space.

Which old, semi legendary will we sign in Winter.

Fernando Hierro's left leg, which still has more talent in it than the whole of Darren Pratley.

Where will we finish and why?

Without Darren Pratley I think we have a good chance of making the play offs. With Darren Pratley the only way is down.