Arsene Wenger, you are hereby charged with one count of daylight robbery of a top class centre half. You have paid £2m for a talent beyond that of £50m John Stones, £30m Nicholas Ottamendi and £20m Dejan Lovren.
You have taken the best talent to emerge from the Bolton Wanderers academy in a generation, possibly ever. You have harnessed a young player capable of performing at the very highest level. Rob Holding will go on to be an England international. He will be the bedrock of Arsenal's defence for years to come. And you had the cheek to pay the equivalent of one third of Britt Assombalonga for him.
Charges must also be brought against Ken Anderson and Dean Holdsworth, who allowed themselves to be bent over the negotiating table and spanked mercilessly. It's the only trade deal Donald Trump ranks below NAFTA in his list of "totally worst deals ever". A wee one-liner for our intellectuals there.
Rob Holding showed in the FA Cup final on Saturday evening that not only is he worthy of an Arsenal squad number, he has the talent to go all the way in what I'm sure will be a successful and illustrious career. His victory in the early mental battle with Diego Costa showed his cool temperament, and his nullification of Eden Hazard, so often the focal point of Chelsea's counter attacks, highlighted his pace and impeccable reading of the game. Costa did get the better of Holding on two occasions in the game, the latter leading to the Chelsea goal, but we have to accept that Costa is a top class centre forward who has made a fool of many a centre half. Holding has time on his side to prepare for battles in seasons to come.
And to think, Arsene Wenger paid a transfer fee for this future England international that wouldn't even pay off the interest on a BluMarble loan.
Arsenal fans must be counting their blessings . Even the most ardent "Wenger Out fam blud fam" Arsenal supporter must surely applaud Arsene for the deal of the century.
Personally, I can't fathom the sheer stupidity of allowing a player of such potential to be sold for the paltry figure of £2m, albeit with add-ons. The final fee may never be known. Even in just 26 appearances for the Wanderers, the dimmest of Wanderers fans (and we all know how dim they can get) could see his quality in a team destined for relegation under Neil Lennon.
Arsene, give us an extra £15m and first dibs on Theo Walcott this summer and we'll call it even Stephens. If not, I'm taking you to court for daylight robbery, and our current ownership for sheer stupidity while we're at it.
Congratulations, Rob. We knew you could do it. I just wish we had a few bob in the bank to show for it.